Definition

my soul revealed:

So I have been thinking a lot about definition lately. The definition of us as humans sort of and who each person is supposed to be--how people define themselves. A lot of this has to do with seeing some of my girl friends find their definition in guys. A lot of this also has to do with my feelings of sort of setting up two lives for myself (my home life and my college life) and the conflict between the two.

A big revelation of mine lately that seems very common sense, but so many people get caught up in is the idea of role models and jealousy. Like basically how one day I can find myself saying "I want to be like that girl" then the next day saying the same thing about a girl with completely opposite characteristics. Whether it is clothing style or their confidence level or their personality. We all do it--sort of fantasize about what our lives would look like if we were more like certain people. Anyway, my point is that how can I try and be like all of those girls?! I can't! It is not only impossible, but exhausting! Life should not be about following others but inventing yourself. Not saying "how can I be more like that girl?", but "how can I be Katie?" I can pull characteristics from each girl, but still, it is exhausting figuring how each one lines up in my life.

The bigger picture that through good times, bad times, and rebellious times for me that keeps me grounded is that the ONLY consistent and completely rewarding role model is Jesus. Trying to live up to other girls is so unforgiving because it will never happen. I will never ever be that girl. Trying to live more like Jesus is not only rewarding, but makes you feel loved and beautiful and worthy of good things. He will never change. He will never judge you. He will always love you. His way of life is about love and forgiveness--it will never disappoint you.

Too often I have seen the story of a girl feeling like a guy defines them. I feel part of this is because they never really knew themselves before the man. Even without a boyfriend, men can consume girls. Why is that?? Why is it such a struggle to love ourselves? We don't believe it when our family tells us we're wonderful--they have to. We don't believe it when our friends tell us we're wonderful--they have to. We don't believe it when God tells us we're wonderful--He has to. But when a guy says we're wonderful, suddenly it means something? Why are we chasing boys when God is the one chasing us?? We all want that healthy, fulfilling relationship that is all about the guy making you want to be better person--making you desire to be the best possible version of yourself. God makes me want to be a better person, the best possible version of myself. We cannot begin to grasp how much he loves us because we don't love ourselves. "How can he love ME?" yet it is US that hold onto things--we take YEARS to forgive ourselves for things. but God forgives and FORGETS! He hates our shame and guilt and just wants to see us happy! Why do I have to re-realize this 50 times! When will I learn?? This is probably one of the most "home-hitting" things my pastor has ever said: "We worry about the things that we think define us, but once we realize we are defined as children of God, those things don't seem to matter much anymore." HOW TRUE! What do I worry about? grades, boys, how i look, friends, money.--because I think those things define me. and they don't. and that is the greatest news: I don't have to worry about anything because I've got the God of the universe on my side.

I guess you could say I am working on defining myself--not for other people, but for me. Not TO other people, but TO me. I was really broken hearted after everything with Young Life and leaving, whereas I almost feel like I broke up with God for a few months. I sadly felt the urge to run away from anything God related. I always knew deep down though that it was humans I was frustrated with, not God. I visited my friend Abby in Kansas City this past weekend and went to her church with her. Her pastor was AWESOME and said some great things that really hit home for me. I found myself thinking, "Wow, God is so much cooler than I thought." I sort of fell back in love with Him in a heartbeat and am slowly re approaching our relationship now with a fresh perspective of living a Christian life but still being Katie. Not being what Christians are "supposed" to look like. Figuring out a moderation of my two conflicting lives, which ultimately I know is what is best for me.

Anyway, man, i really bared my soul in this post and thanks for reading it :)
<3 Katie